Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
