You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize