I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
