A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
