So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
