I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
