Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize