Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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