Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
