I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
