I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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