i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
only if we run a train.
done.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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