I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Houston, we have a blender
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
