Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
