After last night, I could never be a politician.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
