I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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