Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
