If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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