the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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