I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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