I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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