I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
