she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
