So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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