I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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