His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
