just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize