My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
