I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
