Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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