Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Randomize
