operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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