Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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