am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
