I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
