he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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