Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
