Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
