My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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