I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wannas sexs uuuuu
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
