How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
