Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
