Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
