My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
