you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
