Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
