Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
