Sober January is a disaster.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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