I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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