my sisters under your porch take her home
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
