I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
