If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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