Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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