i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
