I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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