I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
