I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
